The Detour of a Lifetime

Here is the story that led me to realize it was no accident and that Reese was perfect as she was, my greatest life gift.

When Reese was first diagnosed with Intellectual Disability, my inner world turned upside down. I was grieving, always comparing her development and felt lost. So, I did what we women do, I picked up the pieces. I became her therapist, advocate, playmate, nutritionist, social planner/coach and researcher. I was determined to fix this for her, to save her. This was the most damaging thing I could have done to her and myself because we cannot change who our children are or their innate abilities and nature. I know the various therapists had the best of intentions but the pressure I felt was immense. My efforts were coming from a place of fear and survival and I burnt myself out, becoming resentful of my life and damaging my child’s sense of self trust and safety.

(For this, I have needed the most self forgiveness). 

I wished I had realized back then that she just needed me to slow down and enjoy her, along with this gentle, simple and beautiful little world she was living in.

One day, during a workshop I attended for special needs caregivers, a story was told that changed my life forever. It was a metaphor about the parenting journey of us caregivers and how it begins- full of enthusiasm and like the excitement of purchasing a once in a lifetime trip to Paris. 

In my own words , it went something like this:  

When organizing your trip to Paris, with great enthusiasm, you plan for months, explore the possibilities, fantasize about the sights you’ll see together, memories you will make. You buy the maps, learn the language and see yourself in French clothes, taking in the Eiffel tower. The cheese and croissants. Love in the air- this will be the trip of your dreams! 

(Having a baby can be like this for many of us who always envisioned having a family. )

The day of your trip you take off from the airport, like normal. However, an announcement is made mid flight that is most upsetting. Due to unforeseen circumstances, you will no longer be landing in Paris. There will be an emergency landing. 

Your new destination is now: Holland. 

Fear and confusion sets in. Holland? What? There’s nothing in Holland. I bought a ticket to Paris. I have all my itineraries. Questions came- “will we ever go to Paris???”

When the answer is “no”, the grief and confusion is immense. “I don’t know what to do in Holland. It looks nothing like Paris. It’s slower and unpredictable- will there be any sights to see? This is not the trip I had planned. “

After some time in Holland, though, once the grief subsides and acceptance begins, you realize this was exactly the trip you needed. You pick up new guide books and learn the language needed. You enjoy the people. There are such simple pleasures and moments of wonder. Holland is so much more than you could have ever dreamed of. The people who stream into your life there- so beautiful, kind and accepting. The things in life that really matter are seen and felt here. You are beyond grateful for the unexpected detour and who you became because of it- patient, present, attuned, compassionate and loving of others and life itself. 

After hearing this story, I went home. I was so moved. I felt it in my bones. 

I went into Reese’s room to appreciate little-her, and what I saw next left me awestruck. This exact photo, of ballooning over Paris, (Above) had been hanging on her wall since I designed her nursery before birth. All of her artwork on the walls, bedding, and her first stuffed animal- all specially purchased from Paris France. I bought the fantasy.

That’s when I knew I was in the right place. That’s when I realized how much I had longed for Paris. That’s when I gave my heart FULLY to Holland , my sweet daughter, for exactly who she was.  I thanked the greater forces at play that had softened me 

Parents of children with special needs will experience monumental moments of wonder and awe. *if we are willing to open to it.*

These kids, this trip, so different, and nothing short of extraordinary. I continue to grow, experience awe and inspiration from my daughter Reese. She faces things I will never fully understand everyday. She is beyond my wildest dreams. 

We have come so, so, so far together . 

2025 Update: My daughter recently shared with me that she has a dream- to travel to Paris- to see the sights. Ahhh life, you have a great sense of humour<3

The artwork on my child’s wall, given away many years ago :

The photo on my child’s wall: